


An Open Letter to My Grandmother: One I Will Mail to Her Tomorrow

by Schweet



Series: A Series of Open Letters [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Coming Out, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:55:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27505684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schweet/pseuds/Schweet
Summary: Guys, I am so scared
Series: A Series of Open Letters [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1816228
Kudos: 5





	An Open Letter to My Grandmother: One I Will Mail to Her Tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, I am so scared

Hi Mama,

I have something very important to tell you (don't worry I'm not pregnant and no one has hurt me). I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'll try my best.

This is something I have struggled with a lot, something that is at the root of my depression and self-esteem issues, it was a factor in my suicide attempt. I have fought against it for over a decade, and only within the past year have I accepted it. It's something I still hate myself for.

I am bisexual, meaning I like both girls and guys.

I am still the same girl I have always been, I just understand myself a little better now. I hope you can still love and accept me for who I truly am.

I'm telling you this in a letter because I'm terrified to tell you and I don't think I'm brave enough to do it face-to-face. I also want to give you the opportunity to take some time to figure out how to respond, or even to throw away the letter and pretend this never happened.

I have tried to write this letter for months, but have never been able to because of how scared I am about you rejecting and no longer loving me. I have only come out to a few people so far and I really really wanted to tell you when we were last together but never could find the right moment.

I know you value your religion and everything it teaches, this is mostly why I am so afraid. My church taught me that I am less than human and only destined for hell, which I and everyone like me deserve. I have had trusted people within my youth group express their hatred for the gay community and justified it with the Bible and words of priests. I have internalized all of that.

My dad has struggled with it and still doesn't want to talk about or even acknowledge it. I still feel like I'm hiding from him and have even let him down for turning out this way. So I can understand if you feel the same way as him. I wouldn't blame you. I mean, I even have a deep-seated hatred for myself because of it. I truly believe I am a monster because of this.

I know you said just because I don't feel the love doesn't mean the love isn't there, but I am terrified of losing that love. I love you so very much, you are my grandma, and I just want you to still love and accept me. I don’t want to disappoint you, ever.

I wish I could have told Mr. Sid. I don't want to miss that opportunity with you. You deserve to know, and I'm sorry for hiding it from you for so long.

Love,

Your Queer Granddaughter

“The true ugliness of the closet is its subtlety. It eats away at your soul bit by bit and you don’t even realize it. If you never deal with it or come to terms with it, then ultimately the closet will destroy you.”

-Gar McVey-Russel, “Sin Against the Race”


End file.
